3 Tips for Helping Someone

I'm sure you have a friend, neighbor or co-worker who you know could use some help with something, but when you ask if she needs help she simply says, "No thanks.  I'm good."  Even though your gut tells you otherwise you move on because, after all, she did say that she was good.  That means she doesn't need anything, right?

As a person who struggles to accept help and as a social worker I can tell you that more often than not "I'm good" really means "I could definitely use some help, but I don't want to burden you." or "I'm really drowning, but I'm too embarrassed to ask."  How do you get beyond the "I'm good" and know how to truly help someone?  Here some ideas for you:

1) Be specific

Instead of asking, "Do you need anything?"  Ask something specific to the situation:

I'm heading to the grocery store.  Do you need any food?

Can I pick your kids up from school on Thursday for a play date?

Would it help if I came and got your laundry?

I'd love to do something for you.  Can I bring dinner over on Wednesday night?

2) Don't ask, just do
When my husband was recovering from one of his back surgeries, a friend noticed that the light bulb was out in our entryway.  She didn't say anything to me about it.  That night her tall husband showed up at my door with a box of light bulbs.  He changed the one in the entryway along with several others throughout the house.  That act of kindness has always stuck out to me.  I could have changed that bulb, but dragging the step ladder out while caring for two young kids and my husband was a very overwhelming task at the time!

This past fall I arrived home from work late one night to find our leaves raked up to the curb.  It was dark so I didn't notice until I left for work the next day that there wasn't a single leaf anywhere is the yard including the shrubs!  Our friend, who had asked if we needed anything multiple times and I had answered with "We're good," had stopped by and completely prepared our yard for winter.  What a gift! 

Sometimes you just know what someone needs.  Sometimes the person you're wanting to help may not even KNOW what he needs.  So just do it.  Show up with a meal.  Put a gift card in the mail.  Drop off some essential groceries or a bouquet of flowers.  Send your kid over to mow the lawn.  Show up to sit with her kids so she can go for a walk. 

3) Keep offering
The person you want to help may not be open to suggestion one or two.  You'll be the judge of that.  If that's the case, don't give up on offering your help.  Keep asking!  If nothing else, he'll know that you care.  Knowing that someone cares can be the greatest gift.

I have friends who every time I text to let them know I'm back at the hospital with my husband, they respond with, "Can we bring you some Chick-fil-A?"  I say no every time, but the simple fact that they offer and I know that they would leave their home to make a drive thru run for me means the world to me.  (Don't worry - I will accept their offer some time.  Truly, who can say no to Chick-fil-A?)

"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day."

~ Sally Koch ~

"The purpose of life is to contribute in some way to making things better."

~ Robert F. Kennedy ~

I encourage you to pause and think about those in your life who are struggling right now.  Some may be more obvious than others.  What is one small thing that you can reach out and offer or do or just do for her that will make her life better? 

A Different Kind of Exercise for My Heart

I did something tonight that I have not done in a LONG time.  I made dinner for another family.  I even made them dessert!  Most nights I can barely get dinner on the table for my family - I served them half-frozen french fries last week when I made a quick stop at home to prepare dinner between picking Ellie up from her after-school running program and heading off to exercise. 

Today was a bad day.  Work was stressful.  Home was super stressful.  As a result I'm incredibly tired and feel like my legs weigh a hundred pounds each.  After getting home from my daughter's music lessons and making an easy dinner, I realized that I would never make it my Zumba class on time (I'm constantly walking in in the middle of the first song, but I would have been REALLY late tonight!).  The thought of going for a quick run briefly crossed my mind, but the rain made it too easy to not take action on that idea.  Instead I put my pj's on, crawled into bed, pulled the covers up to my nose and closed my eyes.  At 7:15PM I was tucked in bed ready to fall asleep. 

I dozed off for a few minutes and then woke with the memory that I had told my friend that I would bring her dinner tomorrow. 

"I'll just swing through KFC and pick-up a family meal,"  I thought.

"Better yet, I'll just give her the money so that she can swing through KFC and pick-up a family meal," was my next thought.  After all, my purpose in providing dinner was to give her a night off from cooking.  The drive-thru is considered a night off, right?

Then I pictured myself sitting on the curb this afternoon listening and crying with my friend as she shared with me what was going in her life.  I've said in the past that my stress is my stress - what stresses me out may not stress you out which is OK.  But I have to say that just listening to her story increased my stress level. 

Another friend who was sitting with us said, "What has happened to our society.  It used to be that when someone was struggling like this everyone would rally around and help."  After a long pause she continued, "I guess that's church.  This is work."

Her last statement really impacted me.  Should it matter if it's work versus church?  If I was in church I'd be offering to take the family a meal.  Organizing others to do the same.  Collecting helpful items.  I'd be jumping into action.  So why, in this moment, was I just sitting on the curb doing nothing? 

I turned to my friend and told her I would be providing dinner for her family tomorrow night.

Fast forward a few hours to me tucked comfortably in bed at 7:15PM.  Money for KFC would not work.  I was going to make them a meal. 

I dragged myself out of bed and into the kitchen to begin rummaging through the cupboards and freezer.  As I took stock of what I had on hand I began to get excited as different meal ideas came to mind.  Knowing there are young kids in the house, I decided on a Mac-n-Cheese Pizza Casserole.  Once that was prepared, my mind went to dessert.  Of course they would need dessert! 

As I type my kitchen is filled with the sweet scent of Devil's Food Cake Cookies . . . YUM!  I feel energized.  I'm looking forward to sharing these dishes with my friend's family tomorrow.  There is a smile on my face.  The stress from my bad day has disappeared.

So I'm not going to feel guilty about not getting any exercise in today.  While I didn't do any cardio, I definitely exercised my heart.