Balance is a Big Picture Word

"Mom, are you going to the gym tonight?" my son asked me one day last week.

"No.  I'm going to hang out with your dad.  It's only my second day back at work since his surgery," I answered

"What's happened to you?  You haven't gone in a couple of weeks!"

What happened?  Today has happened.  Life has happened.

I have spent a lot of time over the past several years agonizing over finding balance in my life. Finding balance in how I spend my time so that I am able to fit everything in that needs to be there. The list of responsibilities and activities that are classified as "needing to be there" goes on and on and on and on . . .

I have driven myself crazy trying to fit everything in to my day.  I have gotten up early and I've stayed up late.  I have created and edited To Do List after To Do List.  I have asked friends to hold me accountable so that I am not tempted to miss something,  I have called ahead to my family so that as I slow down in front of my house they are ready to sprint out the door and hurl their bodies into the car. I have written out schedules and then re-arranged them ten times in one day.

I wear a bracelet that signifies balance in the hopes of having a visual reminder of my quest to find balance.  I have re-listened to a sermon about Elizabeth's journey of finding balance (http://communityumchurch.com/portfolio/current-service-3-13-16-influential-balance/gallery/sermons/).  I have cried.  I have felt guilty.  I have driven myself crazy.

The list of ways that I tried to find balance is longer than the list of activities that I'm attempting to balance!

Over the next couple of nights as I laid on the couch drifting in and out of a light sleep waiting for the alarm to prompt my husband to take his medication (He got his tonsils out.  Sounds like a simple procedure, but at 42 - not so much!), my mind raced.  Was there a problem?  I hadn't exercised consistently in a few weeks.  There were several things that I hadn't done recently.  Everything had been focused on prepping for my husband's surgery and then his recovery.  Before that we were wrapping up the school year and prior to that was Tennis Season.  Life has been a little hectic.  There was zero balance! I was quickly returning to the mess that had been my life six years ago.

At some point in the midst of my mind's exhausted haze I had a moment of clarity.  Yes - life is hectic.  But NO - I am NOT a mess.

How is that possible?

It's possible because my focus has not changed.  I am still focused on making healthy choices when it comes to handling my stress, eating, time management and my family.  My plan has not changed - I still want to be healthy.  I still want my family to be healthy.

When life is hectic, my stress level sky rockets.  So I'm pretty stressed out right now.  But I'm handling it in a healthy way.  I'm making wise choices.

The lessons I've learned: 

1) I will never be able to find balance every single day.  It will even be difficult to maintain perfect balance in a week's time.  That's because balance is a big picture word.  With all of the roles that I fill right now in this stage of my life, there are always going to be people or activities or responsibilities that require more of my attention.  That doesn't mean that I'm giving up on the other roles.  One of them will come back to the forefront in a few days or next week.

BALANCE IS A

BIG PICTURE WORD.

For these past couple of weeks, my husband has been my main concern.  Our children stayed with my parents.  I took several days off of work.  All of the meals that I planned were bland and soft so that he could swallow them.  My roles of wife and caregiving spouse were in that #1 spot.  Yet, I maintained my focus on being healthy.  I reached out to my support system when I found myself eating more chocolate pudding than my husband.  Their series of funny texts kept me out of the fridge!

This weekend, my role of Tennis Booster President was in that #1 spot as the Team volunteered at our community's summer festival.  I spent the entire weekend at the park operating the Crazy Colors Game Booth.  I stayed on track by packing my meals and treating myself to a small bag of Kettle corn.

Starting Monday life calms down for a little bit.  My meals are planned and prepped.  I'll be back in the gym.

In two weeks when we start three weeks of various camps for the kids a touch of chaos will return.

But overall - Balance.

2) Balance requires maintaining my focus.

My niece maintaining her focus on the balance beam.

I picture my 8 year-old niece on the balance beam.  She focuses on a spot on the beam to keep her balanced.  At times she may lean over to the right.  And then she may lean far to the left causing her one foot to come off the beam.  But by maintaining her focus she is able to re-gain her balance.  She may fall off now and then, but she jumps right back up on that balance beam!

Life may pull me to the right and then pull me to the left, but by maintaining my focus of making healthy choices even amongst life's most stressful or busiest moments, I can stay on that balance beam of life.

BALANCE REQUIRES MAINTAINING

MY FOCUS.

In a nutshell: Instead of worrying about fitting everything in TODAY (work, the healthiest of meals, exercise, my kids' getting to exercise, spending time with my husband, volunteer responsibilities and on and on . . .) I will take a step back and look at life through a wider lens.  How have the past few weeks looked?  Have I maintained my focus amidst life's chaos?  I will look at the big picture.

God Said NO to the Pumpkin Custard

My kids - thanks to my husband - love to purchase movies and video games on the day they premiere.  Last Tuesday was no exception.  Pitch Perfect 2 was released on DVD and my daughter was begging me to stop at Target on my way home from work to buy it for her.  Seeing as she has started the school year off with a bang, was completing her chores with no complaints and practicing her instruments unprompted - I thought this would be a great reward for her.  So I included a quick stop at Target in my plans for the day.

And then it hit me . . . I'll be driving right past Meadows Custard!  And I heard their Pumpkin Custard was to die for!  That's when the battle started.

Oh my gosh Lisa.  You HAVE to stop for some Pumpkin Custard!

But I've been doing so well in making healthy choices with my eating.

All the more reason to reward yourself with a treat.  You can get a small - that's a wiser choice than a large!

But we've been trying to save money and this would be a frivolous expense.

Like I said, Lisa . . . get a small.  That's not that much money.

I don't have any cash and to put such a small amount of money on the debit card seems ridiculous.

Who cares!  It's Pumpkin Custard.  PUMPKIN!

What about JJ and Ellie?  I'll feel guilty getting custard without them.

You work very hard Lisa.  You deserve a treat.  Plus, they won't even know about it.

Ohhhhhh . . . nope, the calories.  I'm not going to splurge.  Not going to do it.

You deserve it Lisa!  You work SO hard.  Treat yourself.  Indulge.  It will taste SO good!

Maybe I should.  Nope - the money.  Silly expense.

Hey - you could get cash back when you buy the DVD.  Then you will have cash and Meadows Custard won't show up on your statement.

BRILLIANT!!  I'll get cash back and give myself a delicious treat!  I deserve it!  But, the kids.

No one will know . . . ever!  Go for it!

Decision made.  I was going to Target, buying the movie, getting cash back and stopping for PUMPKIN CUSTARD!!!  YAY!!!

I was so excited the rest of the day.  All I could think about was how smooth and rich and amazing that Pumpkin Custard was going to taste.  mmmmmmmmm . . .

After work I drove to Target.  Grabbing the DVD from the display case right by the door I practically skipped to the checkout.  Pumpkin Custard!  Pumpkin Custard!  Pumpkin Custard! The words chanted in my brain as my cheeks tingled with the anticipation of my secret yummy treat.

I swiped my debit card and the machine beeped.  I looked at the cashier with a puzzled expression.

"Oh, you have one of the new cards with a chip.  You need to slide it in here," she showed me a new slot in the front of the machine.

I slid in my card.  Suddenly the words "Thank you for shopping at Target!" flashed on the screen and my receipt printed from the register.

"Wait!"  I said with a slight tone of panic.  "I was going to get cash back."

"Oh, sorry.  With these new cards you can't get cash back."

"But, I was going to treat myself to Pumpkin Custard!" I exclaimed.

"Sorry Ma'am," she said as she started to scan the next customers items.

I stood there staring at her for a few seconds with my mouth open shocked that my plan to sneak off and get myself a special treat had just completely fallen apart (and slightly stinging from her use of the word ma'am).  The woman behind me in line gently pushed her cart forward in an attempt to move me along.  My gaze shifted to her.

"I can't get cash back.  I was going to get custard," I stammered.  She smiled a sympathetic smile.

Turning, I walked out of Target.  That hadn't gone as planned!

Sitting in my car, I started to laugh.  I had just spent the entire day contriving this whole plan to sneak off and secretly buy myself a custard cone.  And than it completely falls apart.  That is hysterical!

Two of the many things I've learned about myself over the past five years are
1) I use food for comfort and reward.  That's ok some of the time, but I would often take it to an unhealthy extreme.
2) The Mom Guilt Monster THRIVES on me.  I used to be one of it's favorite prey.

My inner conversation turned to God - All right Lord, I see where you are going with this.  That plan would have thrown me directly into the fire of two struggles I've worked the hardest to overcome.  Thank you for rescuing me from myself!  I concede - no Pumpkin Custard for me!  But please let this be a situation where you're not saying no you're simply saying not now.  Please?!?

That was the case.  Two days later the kids and I were out running errands and drove past Dairy Queen.  Their sign advertised that Pumpkin Pie Blizzards were back.  I LOVE Pumpkin Pie Blizzards!  I turned right into the parking lot and my kids cheered.  Mini pumpkin pie blizzards all around (That's a wise choice.  A few years ago I would have ordered us all larges!).  The Blizzards tasted fantastic and the company was super fun . . . so much better than speed eating a cone in secret before I got home and then feeling guilty all night.

Healthy choice - check!
Having fun with my family - check!
Being an example for my kids - check!

Thanks God for saying no to that Pumpkin Custard!

Mom Went Running