The Spouse of a Heart Attack Survivor One Year In

Jamison and I recently celebrated his one year heart-aversary 

with a weekend away.

No, I'm not the one who had the heart attack.  That was my husband.  But just as February 1, 2019 changed his life forever, mine was changed, too.  I've learned over the past year that everyone who has a heart attack is impacted in different ways.  I imagine that the same goes for those who love them.  This is how my life has changed over the past year.

Increased anxiety - There were key decisions that I made throughout the day back on February 1, 2019 that played a key role in my husband's survival.  Leaving work early.  Calling 911 when I did.  Of course, I did not know that at the time.  Over the past year I have found myself frequently questioning my actions.  Should I stop at home first?  Should I go to the grocery tonight or wait until tomorrow?  I worry if my husband does not respond to my texts.  He could be taking a nap, but in my mind he's laying unconscious in the hallway.  My concern for my children's health has spiked to an outrageous high.  I worried before, but now I am all over them about eating fruit, drinking water, exercising, making healthy choices.  I've taken steps to manage my anxiety - deep breathing, exercising, medication - but it still sneaks up on me.

I can't remember where I found this picture,

but I think it is a perfect illustration of my anxiety.

Cheerleader Captain and Senior Listener - As a spouse I've always been my husband's #1 fan.  I've been there to support, encourage and listen through many ups and downs.  For the past year, my husband's heart health has been one of our top priorities and topics of conversation. We've had many doctor's appointments, multiple ER visits and an extended hospital stay this fall.  We've had great victories like my husband walking his first 5k.   We've had moments of doubt and sadness debating if we should go to the hospital or wondering if life will ever be the same.  We've had moments of arguing -   "Step away from the mower Jamison!  You are NOT to mow the lawn!"  We've had moments of joy and love simply looking at each other thankful for another day.  And we've talked about my husband's health A LOT.  Like very frequently.  Like everyday.  (I understand that this is normal for a survivor.  You know I love you Jamison!)  Sadly, I've read posts on social media and articles about relationships that have ended because of a spouse's health.  I'm not perfect and my arms do get tired at times from shaking my pom poms, but I'm proud that we've made it another year on this marital journey.

Jamison and I after walking his first 5k!

Head Chef - This part of the journey has been a lot of fun.  I was disappointed in the lack of nutrition education we were provided with after the heart attack.  The food that you put in your body plays such a key role to your overall health.  Prior to February 1, I knew that single fact in my head.  After February 1, I knew I had to expand upon it.  We took it upon ourselves to learn more about food and the role that it plays in our health.  My friend Dana, a registered dietitian and fitness instructor, met with us as a couple and then continued to counsel me.  Actually, we started texting each other about food choices while Jamison was still in the cardiac ICU!  Over the past year Jamison and I have made significant changes in our diet.  It shows in our physical appearance, but in many other ways such as our blood work and how we feel physically (My feet and ankles no longer swollen and hurting by the end of the day!) and emotionally.  I've had so much fun trying new foods and recipes.  It's been interesting to embrace label reading and discover cravings for food that I never thought I would enjoy on a regular basis (sautéed brussel sprouts, onions and turkey bacon - AMAZING!).

Brussel sprouts, onions and turkey bacon - YUM!!

Embracing the Moment - I'm much more aware of the people and events around me.  I purposefully try to soak in every moment.  I find great delight in times that my kids and I just laugh and joke around.  A good meal - I savor every bite.  Morning coffee with my sister - I sip slowly and enjoy every second.  I was  the person who said "I love you" every time I parted ways with family and friends.  Now I say it more.  I have chased friends down to give them a hug and tell them I love them before they leave the office before going on vacation!  This year has reminded me that I have no idea what tomorrow holds so I must enjoy today.

Faith - I have been a follower of Christ for most of my life.  In looking back on February 1, 2019, I can see how God worked every detail out so that every player was in the right place at the right time.  There have been more times than I'd like to admit over the past fifteen years that I have had some pretty dark conversations with God asking him what in the heck He was doing with my life.  This was not the life that I had imagined.  This was not the life that I wanted.  What was going on???  There have also been numerous times that God has revealed Himself to me demonstrating that He's there and I need to trust in Him.  None so great, however, as February 1, 2019.  My life was changed.  My faith was deepened.  My resolve to live for Him and share His love with others renewed.

One final way that my life has changed since my husband's heart attack is that I have gained a deeper understanding that every spouse is impacted by the heart attack in a different way and that is OK!   I'm on my journey.  Your journey is going to look different; however, my prayer and hope is that you find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone.  I'm here.

5 Steps to Kick Off a Life of Healthy Choices

Six months ago my husband survived a massive heart attack.  That was our wake up call that we had to make some life style changes.  There was no waiting for next week or after the holiday or until he finished cardiac rehab.  Change had to happen.  The time for change was now.

picture from Adventures in Medicine

We've been encouraging our family and friends to let our wake up call be their wake up call.  Don't wait for your own crisis because your crisis may not end the same way that our crisis ended.  It's easy for us to say that - you should change.  The hard part is actually making the change. 

To help you start your journey of healthy choices, here are five simple steps that can set you up for success.

1. SET A GOAL
Setting a goal determines the direction you are going.  It gives you something to aim for.  If living a life of healthy choices is new to you, I recommend you set one simple goal.  Your goal should be a SMART one (see image below) with a deadline that is one week to one month away. 

Let me give you some examples:
     I'm going to exercise every day for the rest of the my life.  (Attainable?  Probably not.)
     I'm going to exercise three times a week for the next four weeks.  (SMART goal!)

     I'm never ever going to drink pop again. (If you drink pop every day, this may be tough.)
     I'm going to drink two glasses of water a day for the next week.  (SMART goal!)

     I'm going to eat healthier.  (Specific?  rather a tad vague.)
     I'm going to eat a piece of fresh fruit everyday this week.  (SMART goal!)
     I'm going to try one new healthy recipe a week for the next month.  (SMART goal!)

The thing that I love with starting your journey with a simple SMART goal is that you will be encouraged by a quick success and can set a new goal (or set the same goal again).  A simple SMART goal propels you forward toward your ultimate destination which is a healthy lifestyle.

2. WRITE YOUR GOAL DOWN
The physical act of writing your goal down makes it real and provides you with a layer of accountability.  Post it on your bathroom mirror, in your car, on you computer, on your refrigerator or all of those places.  You want it be somewhere you are going to see it throughout the day.  Another great spot recommended by one of my favorite people - Bobby Bones in his book Fail Until You Don't - is to make your goal the screen saver on your phone.  How many times a day do you look at your phone?!?

This is an excellent book!  It's available on Amazon and
at most other bookstores.  I highly recommend it!

   
3. SHARE YOUR GOAL WITH SOMEONE ELSE
You've set your goal.  You've written your goal down.  Now I recommend that you tell someone your goal.  Not just anyone - someone who will encourage you, celebrate with you when you succeed, hug you and push you back on your path when you mess up (because, let's be honest, you will and that is OK).  Having a support system is SO incredibly important.  I am fortunate to have an amazing support system.  My friend Dana guides, encourages and pushes me.  My friend Michelle sends me the funniest gifs that keep me going.  My friend Justin is the one I'm always trying to keep up with and beat during our workouts.  My mom listens to me.  My husband is faithfully by my side with a high five or a much needed hug.   You know what?  This support system didn't build itself.  I asked them to help me.  I asked them to be a part of MY Team.  This can be hard.  You may not be one to accept help or you may be embarrassed that you need the help or you may think you don't need help.  Trust me - we all need help when it comes to making changes in our lives.  So start with one person. Choose one trusted person and ask them to be your cheerleader.

4. GET STARTED
I think that this is the hardest step.  Now you need to actually take action and do it.

You said that you were going to walk around the block three evenings this week.  But it was a rough day at work and the couch is so comfortable and you're tired.  Come on - get up and do it! 

You said that you were going to pack your lunch this week instead of ordering out.  It's Monday and everyone is ordering from your favorite Chinese restaurant.  You'll just start next week.  No big deal, right?  Come on - You can do this.  It's five days.  That's it.  Five days. 

There are times when I've need to talk to myself out loud. 
"Come on Lisa.  Get up." 
"You can do this Lisa."

Once I get moving, I'm good.  As soon as I step out the door and that fresh air fills my lungs, I'm ready to go.  As soon as I bite into that crisp sweet apple, my craving for fast food grease goes away.  The key is take that first active step to get yourself moving.

picture from Ready Set Go Spirit

     
5. CELEBRATE YOUR SUCCESS
Since your goal was a SMART one, you have a deadline.  Once you reach that deadline - celebrate!!  It could be a high five, a hug, pumping your fist in the air, sending a text message to your cheerleader and getting a great one in return or doing a happy dance.  You went a day without visiting the office candy dish.  ALL RIGHT!!  You went the entire week without hitting up the drive thru for a sweet tea.  YES!!  You and your family went for a walk after dinner three nights this week.  YOU'RE AMAZING!!

VICTORY!!

What do you do now?  You do it again!  Set that goal again.  And then again.  And then again.  Pretty soon that goal of drinking water or exercising or eating a vegetable with every dinner has become a healthy habit.  You're ready to focus on another area of your life. 

What if you didn't reach that initial goal that you set?  That's ok.  Try again.  If it still doesn't work, evaluate your goal.  Is it too big?  Is it too vague?  Is it an area of your life that is just too hard to change right now?  Set yourself up for success. 

Change is hard - but you can do it.  I know you can.  Just give it a try.

I have this posted on my desk at work to remind myself to
keep pushing myself on this journey of change.

Don't Wait for Your Wake Up Call

It's been five and a half months since my husband's heart attack.  Since then I've joined multiple groups on social media for people who have survived heart attacks and for those working hard to make a healthy life style change.  One common phrase that sticks out to me is "This was my wake up call."

I've also read multiple research articles that discuss the incredible value of living a healthy lifestyle.  Reducing sugar intake.  Increasing physical activity.  Drinking water.  Eating fresh fruits and vegetables.  Research is finding that even if you have a genetic predisposition to things like heart disease and diabetes, making healthy life choices can lower your risk of developing these conditions.  (Please note that there are situations when living the healthiest of lifestyles cannot prevent these diseases.  I've read many many stories of people who are as healthy as can be and yet find themselves in the ER with a heart attack.)

If that is the case, why are so many of us waiting for the crisis moment to be our wake up call?  Denial?  Lack of knowledge?  Laziness?  Low self-worth?

I don't think people realize how much that crisis moment changes your life - physically, emotionally, mentally.  These crisis moments can also impact your personal relationships, your job and your social life in very dramatic ways.  You have anxiety.  You can't sleep.  You've lost control of changing your life style because now it is truly a life and death situation.  You're on a ton of medications which blows your budget out of the water.   You're down on yourself because you read somewhere or heard someone mention the impact that healthy life choices will have on your life, but you blew it off and now here you are in this mess.

So I encourage you . . . no I'm not encouraging . . . . I implore you to not wait for that wake up call.  Don't wait for the crisis to happen to add healthy choices to your life.  Do it TODAY!  Be kind to yourself - change is hard.  Start small - buy a bag of carrots and eat half carrots half chips with your lunch, go for a walk around the block, exchange two cans of pop today for glasses of water.  Every great journey starts with that first step.

One of my favorite illustrations that frequently pops up on Facebook.

From my perspective, the benefits of living a healthy life don't even compare to not focusing on your health at all.  I still eat donuts - I have one instead of four.  That one donut tastes so good and I don't feel sick after.  I still lay on the couch on a lazy Saturday afternoon - I also join friends for a relaxing evening of Yoga in the park.  I'd say that my life is fuller as a result of focusing on my health.

Starting now may not prevent the crisis from happening, but you'll be more prepared.  And if hopefully a crisis never comes - you will live life feeling fantastic and with enough energy to enjoy every single moment!  Learn from those of us who are on the journey and wish we hadn't waited for that wake up call to make changes in our life.

This cartoon may be blunt, but it 's true.

If you're not sure how to start, stick with me.  I'm going to spend some time over the next several weeks talking about how to begin making healthy life choices, how to keep going when life gets tough and how to celebrate success.

3 Tips for Sticking with Whole 30 Through a 24-Hour Crisis

A key part to success with Whole 30 is planning.  However, life does not always go as planned.   Like this past weekend for example.  I honestly didn't know if I would make it through while successfully sticking with Whole 30, but I did!  Here's the story of how . . .

This past weekend's schedule was jam packed.  I was scheduled Friday, Saturday and Sunday at my side hustle (aka second job - side hustle sounds more fun).  My parents were moving on Monday so our weekend was to be full of prep work, plus I had a special project to wrap up with my Dad. I had set aside time to plan the upcoming week's menu, grocery shop and meal prep (as of Friday, I was on R2D12) on Saturday evening.  Both of my teenagers were working at their summer jobs.  My husband, who suffered a massive heart attack on February 1st of this year, had plans to attend Cardiac Rehab on Saturday.  All four of us were set to move through the weekend in a carefully choreographed performance.

When I clocked out from my side hustle on Saturday evening, I checked my phone and found a text from my husband.  He had stopped at Urgent Care on his way home to have his ear checked out (he suffers from frequent ear infections).  His ear looked fine, but due to his history and the fact that he was reporting some of the same symptoms he had prior to his heart attack, the doctor suggested that he go to the ER for some tests.  They had called ahead for him and he was on his way.

By the time I arrived at the ER, my husband was hooked up to an IV and the initial round of tests had been done.  We knew at that point that he was not actively having a heart attack and were waiting for the results of the various tests.

This is one of my favorite pictures of my husband and I from

our recent vacation.

Obviously, my main focus at this moment was my husband.  However, as time went on, I began to a panic a little.  I was filled with worry for my husband.  I was tired and hungry.  My schedule for the weekend was shot.  I had plenty of time to meal plan while I sat there, but when would I get my shopping done?  How would I find time to do the prep work?  My emotions were bouncing all over the pace.  I wanted a pizza and I wanted one bad.  As soon as we found out what was going on, I was ordering a pizza.  I was going to pick it up on my way home.  I was going to eat it - A LOT of it!

But that didn't happen.  I stayed focus and hung in there.  I pushed through that intense desire to cave and maintained my Whole 30 eating habits the entire 24 hours that my husband was in the hospital.

Three things prevented that from happening and keep me on the Whole 30 straight and narrow:

1) PREPARE FOR A FOOD EMERGENCY - I had emergency provisions in my purse - a Larabar (a compliant one of course!) and an apple.  As soon as my husband was allowed to eat something and was brought a tray, I broke out that Larabar.  When I left the ER a couple of hours later to run home to get the belongings he would need for his night stay, I munched on that apple.

A schedule or a plan can change at any time.  You never know when life is going to throw you a curve ball.  It's normally always easy to find a fast food restaurant to pop in to, but that's not the type of food we're looking for now is it?  I always carry some sort of compliant snack in my purse for such emergencies.

I sent this picture to my friends from the ER - I was ready for a food emergency!

2) A STRONG CIRCLE OF SUPPORT - I know that I am an emotional eater so as soon as I settled into the ER I started texting my two friends who I am currently traveling with on this Whole 30 journey.  They texted me throughout the evening and into the next day.  Words of encouragement.  Funny memes.  When I texted that I thought this would be the moment that sent my Round spinning out of control, my phone went crazy with positive reinforcement to stay strong.

A positive circle of support is so important - whether you are facing a crisis or its just a regular Tuesday afternoon.  Support can come in person, by phone, via text or from people you've never met face-to-face - your Whole 30 Facebook family!

Me (right) with one of the members of my Circle of Support!

3) POSITIVE SELF-TALK - Early on I was thinking that I was not going to be able to hold on.  Pizza is often my go-to emotional support and, trust me, I could taste it!  However, as my friends kept picking me up off the ground, I began to change that conversation going on in my head.  I was telling myself, "You can do it."  As I drove thru the driver-thru to get my kids dinner and could smell those French fries, I ran through the list of positives in my head - improved sleep, decreased pain in my hands, faster time on my last run, looser pants.  I became my own one-member cheerleading squad!

It is easy for self-talk to defeat you and it takes purposeful effort to change the conversation, but it is possible.  Sometimes when I'm by myself or running a 5K, I talk out loud.  That way I'm not only thinking it, but I'm hearing it.  You can do it.  You got this.  You are rocking this round!

picture from www.caba.org.uk

To be honest, I'm kind of proud of myself that I faced this crisis and stuck with my eating habits.  It's the first time my emotional eating habits were tested to this extreme.  And if I can do it, I know that YOU can do it!  Just remember - be prepared with a snack, surround yourself with a strong circle of support, tell yourself that you can do it!

Ten Years Ago Today. Not Failure. Perfection.

Ten years . . .

Today marks ten years since my husband's first back surgery.  His first FAILED back surgery as the doctors describe it. 

I was thinking about that this morning as I reflected on how that surgery was the springboard for our lives changing in drastic ways.  Ways that we never wanted.  Ways that most days - ten years later - we still don't want.

I was asking God the questions that I often ask Him - WHY?  Why did this happen?  What is your plan in all of this pain and anger and re-direction?  - when the word FAILED popped back into my mind. 

My husband's surgery was labeled as a failure.  God's plan for our lives is PERFECT.

In many areas our lives have not been what we expected or dreamt.  God's plan for our lives is PERFECT.

Many times I struggle to keep a smile on my face and keep "running" forward.  God's plan for my life is PERFECT.

I realized this morning that that surgery ten years ago today was not seen as a failure in God's eyes.  He saw it as part of his PERFECT plan for us.  I still don't know why, but I know all that I truly need to know - God's plan is PERFECT.

"As for God, His way is PERFECT.  The Lord's word is flawless.  He shields all who take refuge in Him."  Psalm 18:30

4 Simple Ideas to Deflate Your Holiday Stress and Inflate Your Holiday Joy

I want the holidays to be a special time, but I always end up a stressed out ball of blah rolling around with a smile pasted to my face. How can I change that?  How can I help myself enjoy the holidays? 

I firmly believe that I can't take good care of my family if I don't take care of myself.  With the world telling us to think big and shoot for the stars, my solution probably sounds really off base . . . I've lowered my expectations for myself.  I try (notice the word TRY) not to focus on the number of gifts I'm able to buy or the fact that I stink at decorating the outside of my house or that I don't have time to bake a lot of cookies (not that I want to eat that many any way!).  Instead I focus on purposefully doing FOUR things during the holiday season.  Four inexpensive, easily achievable things that make me happy. 

1) I add whipped cream to my coffee.  I can't afford stops at fancy coffee shops or mani/pedi's or massages - but I can enjoy a squirt of extra creamy whipped cream on my coffee as I prepare to face another day.  The fact that I don't do this any other time of year makes it special for me.  What simple, inexpensive treat can you add to your day to give yourself a treat?  Use peppermint scented lotion?  Buy a pair of fun snowman earrings?  Wear a pair of crazy Christmas socks?

My coffee this morning!



2) I go for walks in my neighborhood after dark to look at the Christmas lights.  Enjoying the lights from your car is nice, but you get an entirely different view when you get out of your car and walk.  I love to head out around 10PM for a stroll.  I occasionally drag my family with me.  They grump at first, but will often find that they enjoy it by the end.  Sometimes we carry mugs of hot cocoa with us and other times I have it waiting for us when we get home.  I love when it is snowing and our footprints are the first marks in the fresh snow.  The fresh air is invigorating, the exercise feels so good after being inside all day and the lights are pretty.  I can't help but feel happy when i get back to my house!  (SAFETY NOTE: Please wear reflective gear and/or carry a flashlight!!!)



3) I sing along in a very loud voice to the Christmas songs on the radio.  No matter what craziness is happening in the "real world," when I close the car door, it is just me and me alone.  How can I not smile as I am singing along to the fun adventures of Frosty or be reminded of the powerful precious gift that God gave to us as I sing the First Noel.  I get out of my car feeling refreshed and ready to face the next event.  I'm sure that I've provided some humorous entertainment to those driving next to me, but I don't worry about them.



4) I pick one special activity that I want to do and make sure I do it even if I do it by myself.  This is actually something that I've been doing for the past couple of months.  I'm always telling my husband that we can talk and talk and talk about all of the things that we want to do and accomplish, but nothing will get done unless we take action.   The list of things that I want to accomplish and experience is very long, so I am tackling the smaller items on that list one thing at a time.  I don't give my family any input on what that one thing is because that will lead to an argument.  I simply choose it and invite whoever wants to come with me to be ready at a certain time.  So far there hasn't been a month that I haven't had company.  I haven't decided what my one thing for the month of December will be yet - that's a decision I will ponder during my drive home from my in-laws this afternoon.  Walk around downtown Pittsburgh to look at the Christmas decorations?  Tackle my grandma's Pizzelle Cookie maker?  Drive out to Ohiopyle State Park for a hike?

The one word that is not included in this post (until now) is guilt.  As a mom and a caregiving spouse, I often struggle with feeling guilty about 101 different things every day.  The key for me when it comes to doing these four things without guilt is what I mentioned earlier - If I don't take care of myself then I can't take care of my family.  My family reacts to my stress.  In the same way they react to my joy.  So in a way, if doing these four incredibye simple things make me happy, my family will be happy, too! 

I encourage you - as we prepare to flip our calendars over to December - pick even just one thing that you will purposefully do this month to make YOU happy!  What can you plan to do to deflate your stress and inflate your joy?

Life-Threatening or Life-Changing?

I was recently at lunch with a group of girlfriends.  A newer group of friends, we spent the afternoon excitedly sharing bits and pieces of our life stories.  One friend, talking about her work with families living with autism, shared a sentence that has really stuck with me . . .

The diagnosis is not life-threatening, but it is life-changing.

 

When my husband first began to experience the chronic pain that now engulfs his body 24 hours a day, we searched for the magic pill, magic injection, magic procedure that would take it away.  On the outside, a majority of aspects of our lives changed - He could no longer work.  I could no longer be a stay-at-home-mom.  We could no longer handle life on our own so we moved closer to family.  I had to learn new things like how to start the lawnmower, put air in my car tires (so silly, but it took me forever to figure that one out!) and throw a pitch.  On the inside, I continued to hold a tight grip to the thought that this would all be over soon and life would return to "normal."   

 

I kept waiting for life to go back to the way it was - back to the way that I had always dreamed it would be.  That is where I got stuck.

          That is where I got sad.

                    That is where I gained weight.

                              That is where I developed high blood pressure and anxiety.

                                        That is where I missed out on a lot of fun adventures.

                                                  That is where I let go of several friendships.

                                                             That is where I lost out on five years of my life.

                                                                        That is where I got really angry at God.

 

I had to come to realization that life was never going back to the way it was.  My husband's diagnosis was not life-threatening, but it was life-changing so I was going to have to change.  Why did no one ever mention that to me? 

 

Hope is important.  I won't lose the hope that someday God will heal my husband 100% - physically and mentally.  But I also can't sit around staring at him waiting for that moment to arrive.  My hope is now firmly placed on the knowledge that God has created me to be a strong intelligent woman who can handle this crazy life that He has designed for me. 

 

I finally discovered the need to shift my perspective four years ago.  It took time, lots of purposeful practice and encouraging self-talk, but life is now filled with unexpected gifts and adventures that I could never have dreamed up!  I am no longer mourning dreams lost, but celebrating the ones I never knew existed.  (Life is not perfect - I still have plenty of Boo-Hoo Moments, but that is ok.)

 

There are so many life events that can cause us to get "stuck."  Sometimes we can be stuck for a few days, weeks, months or -like me - years.  In those moments, I encourage you to ask yourself this simple question

Is this situation life-threatening or life-changing?

The answer will shift your perspective and take you in a direction you never dreamed of!



Did you March Fourth? Now what? (It's ok if you didn't, you still need to read this post!)

Did you March Fourth yesterday and take a healthy step forward?  How did it go?  Hopefully you found it simple and low-stress to add that one healthy goal to your day.

So often, people think that living a healthy lifestyle has to be this dramatic life change.  In my opinion, doing that only sets a majority of the average human beings up for failure.  I'm a mom, wife, daughter, sister, caregiver, boss, employee, volunteer, home owner and more!  I don't have the time, money, energy or even focus to make any kind of major change.  I've attempted it many times and have only been left with feelings of failure, frustration and total inadequacy.    I do have the time, money, energy and focus to make one small change, try one new thing or make one thought-filled healthy decision today and be really good at it.  That leaves me feeling successful, accomplished and like Super Woman!

I shifted to this mind-frame of taking small steps four years ago.  I slowly lost 50 pounds and have kept it off.  My blood pressure and cholesterol lowered and they are still down.  I felt better and had more energy and I still do.  Last week my son asked if he could run track this Spring.  Last night my daughter asked me if doing 100 jumping jacks would count toward our Family Fitness Challenge.  Life is not all rainbows and ponies and I still have bad days . . . but overall my physical, mental and emotional health is so much better!

Back to March Fourth . . . So you took that one small healthy step forward.  You drank water, ate fruit, did jumping jacks or gave out some random high-fives.  Now what?  The answer is so simple.

DO IT AGAIN TODAY.

 

If you didn't March Fourth yesterday and now wish that you had, no regrets!  It's ok.  You just go on and March Fifth today.  March Fifth . . . Move Forward . . . Get Going . . . Go!

 

Encouragement from a Dusty Old Hymnal

When my husband and I bought our first house fifteen years ago, my parents quickly hired a moving company to bring me my piano (more out of their desire to get it out of their house than my desire to have it in mine!).  Since then we've moved the piano four times.  Every time, my husband asked if we could sell it and every time I adamantly said no.  Fingers rarely graced those keys until our daughter began taking piano lessons two years ago. 

This past weekend my level of stress and worry were so great that I wished I could just disappear (no judging - you know you've had those moments!).  It is impossible to be prepared for how much fear and anxiety comes with being a parent.  And when I got married being a caregiver at the age of 40 was not in  the plans.  Work . . . money . . . house repairs . . . check engine lights . . . it felt like the list of worries was never-ending.  The weight of sadness made me so tired it took all my energy to not crawl back into bed.  At the same time the jitters of anxiety made it impossible to sit still.  I found myself sorting through bins in our overstuffed garage.  In one bin filled with random items of mine, I found an old Presbyterian hymn book given to me by my grandma. 

Wandering up to my beloved out-of-tune piano, I began to leaf through the book pausing to peck away at the keys when I came across a more familiar tune.  I eventually came to one of my all-time favorites - He Leadeth Me.  I propped the book on the piano and began to play.

As I finished the song, I noticed the hymn on the next page.  It was one I did not recall ever having seen or heard before -- Far Off I See the Goal. 

Far off I see the goal - O Savior guide me;

I feel my strength is small - Be thou beside me;

With vision ever clear, with love that conquers fear,

And grace to persevere, O Lord provide me.

 

I set personal goals for all areas of my life - my kids, my house, my job, my health . . .  In this moment, though, my goals felt impossible.  It was too much.  Too hard.  Too overwhelming.  

 

I found comfort in this old hymn written back in 1925.  My goals felt extremely far off, but I could still SEE them.  They hadn't disappeared.  I hadn't given up on them.  And who is there to walk beside me and guide me?  My Savior.  How encouraging! 

 

Should earthly pleasures wane, and joy forsake me,

and lonely hours of pain at length o'er take me,

My hand in thine hold fast, till sorrow be o'er the past. 

 

Finding this prayerful hymn of guidance was just what I needed to regain my focus and be ready to jump back into life.  The moment of sorrow has passed . . . Let's go!