The Spouse of a Heart Attack Survivor One Year In

Jamison and I recently celebrated his one year heart-aversary 

with a weekend away.

No, I'm not the one who had the heart attack.  That was my husband.  But just as February 1, 2019 changed his life forever, mine was changed, too.  I've learned over the past year that everyone who has a heart attack is impacted in different ways.  I imagine that the same goes for those who love them.  This is how my life has changed over the past year.

Increased anxiety - There were key decisions that I made throughout the day back on February 1, 2019 that played a key role in my husband's survival.  Leaving work early.  Calling 911 when I did.  Of course, I did not know that at the time.  Over the past year I have found myself frequently questioning my actions.  Should I stop at home first?  Should I go to the grocery tonight or wait until tomorrow?  I worry if my husband does not respond to my texts.  He could be taking a nap, but in my mind he's laying unconscious in the hallway.  My concern for my children's health has spiked to an outrageous high.  I worried before, but now I am all over them about eating fruit, drinking water, exercising, making healthy choices.  I've taken steps to manage my anxiety - deep breathing, exercising, medication - but it still sneaks up on me.

I can't remember where I found this picture,

but I think it is a perfect illustration of my anxiety.

Cheerleader Captain and Senior Listener - As a spouse I've always been my husband's #1 fan.  I've been there to support, encourage and listen through many ups and downs.  For the past year, my husband's heart health has been one of our top priorities and topics of conversation. We've had many doctor's appointments, multiple ER visits and an extended hospital stay this fall.  We've had great victories like my husband walking his first 5k.   We've had moments of doubt and sadness debating if we should go to the hospital or wondering if life will ever be the same.  We've had moments of arguing -   "Step away from the mower Jamison!  You are NOT to mow the lawn!"  We've had moments of joy and love simply looking at each other thankful for another day.  And we've talked about my husband's health A LOT.  Like very frequently.  Like everyday.  (I understand that this is normal for a survivor.  You know I love you Jamison!)  Sadly, I've read posts on social media and articles about relationships that have ended because of a spouse's health.  I'm not perfect and my arms do get tired at times from shaking my pom poms, but I'm proud that we've made it another year on this marital journey.

Jamison and I after walking his first 5k!

Head Chef - This part of the journey has been a lot of fun.  I was disappointed in the lack of nutrition education we were provided with after the heart attack.  The food that you put in your body plays such a key role to your overall health.  Prior to February 1, I knew that single fact in my head.  After February 1, I knew I had to expand upon it.  We took it upon ourselves to learn more about food and the role that it plays in our health.  My friend Dana, a registered dietitian and fitness instructor, met with us as a couple and then continued to counsel me.  Actually, we started texting each other about food choices while Jamison was still in the cardiac ICU!  Over the past year Jamison and I have made significant changes in our diet.  It shows in our physical appearance, but in many other ways such as our blood work and how we feel physically (My feet and ankles no longer swollen and hurting by the end of the day!) and emotionally.  I've had so much fun trying new foods and recipes.  It's been interesting to embrace label reading and discover cravings for food that I never thought I would enjoy on a regular basis (sautéed brussel sprouts, onions and turkey bacon - AMAZING!).

Brussel sprouts, onions and turkey bacon - YUM!!

Embracing the Moment - I'm much more aware of the people and events around me.  I purposefully try to soak in every moment.  I find great delight in times that my kids and I just laugh and joke around.  A good meal - I savor every bite.  Morning coffee with my sister - I sip slowly and enjoy every second.  I was  the person who said "I love you" every time I parted ways with family and friends.  Now I say it more.  I have chased friends down to give them a hug and tell them I love them before they leave the office before going on vacation!  This year has reminded me that I have no idea what tomorrow holds so I must enjoy today.

Faith - I have been a follower of Christ for most of my life.  In looking back on February 1, 2019, I can see how God worked every detail out so that every player was in the right place at the right time.  There have been more times than I'd like to admit over the past fifteen years that I have had some pretty dark conversations with God asking him what in the heck He was doing with my life.  This was not the life that I had imagined.  This was not the life that I wanted.  What was going on???  There have also been numerous times that God has revealed Himself to me demonstrating that He's there and I need to trust in Him.  None so great, however, as February 1, 2019.  My life was changed.  My faith was deepened.  My resolve to live for Him and share His love with others renewed.

One final way that my life has changed since my husband's heart attack is that I have gained a deeper understanding that every spouse is impacted by the heart attack in a different way and that is OK!   I'm on my journey.  Your journey is going to look different; however, my prayer and hope is that you find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone.  I'm here.