The Spouse of a Heart Attack Survivor One Year In

Jamison and I recently celebrated his one year heart-aversary 

with a weekend away.

No, I'm not the one who had the heart attack.  That was my husband.  But just as February 1, 2019 changed his life forever, mine was changed, too.  I've learned over the past year that everyone who has a heart attack is impacted in different ways.  I imagine that the same goes for those who love them.  This is how my life has changed over the past year.

Increased anxiety - There were key decisions that I made throughout the day back on February 1, 2019 that played a key role in my husband's survival.  Leaving work early.  Calling 911 when I did.  Of course, I did not know that at the time.  Over the past year I have found myself frequently questioning my actions.  Should I stop at home first?  Should I go to the grocery tonight or wait until tomorrow?  I worry if my husband does not respond to my texts.  He could be taking a nap, but in my mind he's laying unconscious in the hallway.  My concern for my children's health has spiked to an outrageous high.  I worried before, but now I am all over them about eating fruit, drinking water, exercising, making healthy choices.  I've taken steps to manage my anxiety - deep breathing, exercising, medication - but it still sneaks up on me.

I can't remember where I found this picture,

but I think it is a perfect illustration of my anxiety.

Cheerleader Captain and Senior Listener - As a spouse I've always been my husband's #1 fan.  I've been there to support, encourage and listen through many ups and downs.  For the past year, my husband's heart health has been one of our top priorities and topics of conversation. We've had many doctor's appointments, multiple ER visits and an extended hospital stay this fall.  We've had great victories like my husband walking his first 5k.   We've had moments of doubt and sadness debating if we should go to the hospital or wondering if life will ever be the same.  We've had moments of arguing -   "Step away from the mower Jamison!  You are NOT to mow the lawn!"  We've had moments of joy and love simply looking at each other thankful for another day.  And we've talked about my husband's health A LOT.  Like very frequently.  Like everyday.  (I understand that this is normal for a survivor.  You know I love you Jamison!)  Sadly, I've read posts on social media and articles about relationships that have ended because of a spouse's health.  I'm not perfect and my arms do get tired at times from shaking my pom poms, but I'm proud that we've made it another year on this marital journey.

Jamison and I after walking his first 5k!

Head Chef - This part of the journey has been a lot of fun.  I was disappointed in the lack of nutrition education we were provided with after the heart attack.  The food that you put in your body plays such a key role to your overall health.  Prior to February 1, I knew that single fact in my head.  After February 1, I knew I had to expand upon it.  We took it upon ourselves to learn more about food and the role that it plays in our health.  My friend Dana, a registered dietitian and fitness instructor, met with us as a couple and then continued to counsel me.  Actually, we started texting each other about food choices while Jamison was still in the cardiac ICU!  Over the past year Jamison and I have made significant changes in our diet.  It shows in our physical appearance, but in many other ways such as our blood work and how we feel physically (My feet and ankles no longer swollen and hurting by the end of the day!) and emotionally.  I've had so much fun trying new foods and recipes.  It's been interesting to embrace label reading and discover cravings for food that I never thought I would enjoy on a regular basis (sautéed brussel sprouts, onions and turkey bacon - AMAZING!).

Brussel sprouts, onions and turkey bacon - YUM!!

Embracing the Moment - I'm much more aware of the people and events around me.  I purposefully try to soak in every moment.  I find great delight in times that my kids and I just laugh and joke around.  A good meal - I savor every bite.  Morning coffee with my sister - I sip slowly and enjoy every second.  I was  the person who said "I love you" every time I parted ways with family and friends.  Now I say it more.  I have chased friends down to give them a hug and tell them I love them before they leave the office before going on vacation!  This year has reminded me that I have no idea what tomorrow holds so I must enjoy today.

Faith - I have been a follower of Christ for most of my life.  In looking back on February 1, 2019, I can see how God worked every detail out so that every player was in the right place at the right time.  There have been more times than I'd like to admit over the past fifteen years that I have had some pretty dark conversations with God asking him what in the heck He was doing with my life.  This was not the life that I had imagined.  This was not the life that I wanted.  What was going on???  There have also been numerous times that God has revealed Himself to me demonstrating that He's there and I need to trust in Him.  None so great, however, as February 1, 2019.  My life was changed.  My faith was deepened.  My resolve to live for Him and share His love with others renewed.

One final way that my life has changed since my husband's heart attack is that I have gained a deeper understanding that every spouse is impacted by the heart attack in a different way and that is OK!   I'm on my journey.  Your journey is going to look different; however, my prayer and hope is that you find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone.  I'm here.

Why? Because I love you and I got you. My Husband's Heart Attack Timeline

Most children go through phases in their lives when they ask why questions constantly.  Why can't I touch that?  Why do I have to go to bed?  Why is the sky blue?  Why is her hair blue?  We smile, bend down to their level and answer their questions to the best of our ability.  Every once in awhile after the fiftieth question of the hour, we may get frustrated and lose it a little bit screaming "I don't know why!" or "Because I said so!"

I often wonder if that is how God sees me.  Does he look at me and see a sweet little girl constantly peppering Him with why questions.  Why did you pull us out of youth ministry?  Why does Jamison have to live in pain?  Why do I have to get a second job?  Why is deep dish double cheese pizza so bad for me?  Why????  Deep in my heart I know the answer to all of these questions - Because God loves me.  His plan for my life is perfect.  He is using my life - the good, the bad and the ugly (as perceived by me) - for His glory.  He desires for me to trust in Him and find joy in the journey. 

That is all often easier said than done,  While God has given me the tools to be able to trust Him and has shown Himself to me time and time again, I often find myself throwing my hands in the air asking through clenched teeth "Why are you doing this?"

Every once in a while I wonder if God has one of those parenting moments with me where He gets frustrated and says, "If you need a reminder that I am here and that I got you, I'll show you!"

The timeline of my husband's heart attack is one of those moments where I can so clearly see how every single moment of the timeline was put together so perfectly that it could be nothing else other than God's hand upon us. Let me show you.

1. My Friday nights are normally pretty wild and crazy.  If I'm not scheduled to work at my side hustle (I do love my part-time job at Target!), I normally work late until 5-5:30PM and then stop at the grocery store on my way home.  This gets me home around 7PM.  I make dinner and am dozing on the couch by 8:30PM (Life doesn't get much more wild and crazy that that, right?).  However, on February 1st I arrived home much earlier.  My day had not gone at all as I had planned.  I spent most of my day doing nursing home and home visits.  The snowy weather slowed down my travel (I actually had a little meltdown in my car that morning because the snow was slowing me down and messing with my To Do List!).  I unexpectedly ran into the manager at one of the apartment buildings.  One of my clients needed some extra TLC which resulted in two visits.  I finally finished up my last stop at 3:15PM.  Seeing as I was about 20 minutes from the office and a tad frustrated at how my day went, I figured that it was not worth it for me to go back so I headed to grocery store early.  For that reason, I got home a little after 5PM.

Jamison started experiencing the first symptoms of his heart attack shortly before I arrived home.  If I had not gotten home until 7PM, our outcome would have been very different.  He would have suffered extensive heart damage or worse.

2. Jamison has experienced a lot of physical pain in his life - from kidney stones to chronic back pain to leg pain to migraines.  I've learned that he knows his body and he knows his pain.  As a result, I have always listened to him when it comes to knowing if we need to go the hospital or not.  There have also been plenty of times over the years when Jamison has said that it is best for him to be alone when he is in a lot of pain.

Had I walked away and left him alone or if I had listened to his request and not called 911 when I did, our outcome would have been very different.  He would have suffered extensive heart damage or worse.

3. There are two hospitals close to our home - UPMC East and Forbes.  We have UPMC insurance so East is our hospital; however, we learned that  UPMC East does not have a Cath Lab (I don't want to assume that everyone knows what I'm talking about.  The Cath Lab is the room in the hospital where Cardiac Catheterizations - a procedure to visualize the arteries and chambers of the heart - and needed surgical procedures are performed.).  If Jamison would have been taken to UPMC East, he would have had to be transported via ambulance or life flight to a different hospital in order to get the procedure that he needed.  Instead, the paramedics took Jamison to Forbes Hospital which has a Cath Lab on site.

Going to a different hospital would have delayed the treatment of Jamison's heart attack.  If that was the case, our outcome would have been very different.  He could have suffered increased heart damage or worse. 

4. Arriving at the hospital when we did - around 6:30PM - the Cath Team (the group of medical professionals who perform the Cardiac Catheterizations) would have normally not been at the hospital.  They would have had to be called to come back and we would have had to wait.  However, as we were arriving at the hospital, they were just finishing a complicated procedure which had kept them at the hospital late that evening.  Therefore, the only waiting that we had to do was for the Cath Lab to be cleaned and prepped, which took minutes.

If the Cath Team had not already been at the hospital, Jamison's treatment would have been delayed potentially resulting in increased damage to his heart.  

Jamison and I outside of the Cardiac ICU at Forbes Hospital.

Jamison's artery was 100% blocked.  100%!  Everyone we spoke with at the hospital told us over and over again how the timing of Friday night was key to Jamison surviving his heart attack with very minimal heart damage.

The timing was the key. 

I believe that the timeline of that evening was not mapped out by fate.  It wasn't luck.  It wasn't a coincidence.  It was God.  I can clearly see how every event of the day - starting with the unexpected snow at 6AM! - impacted the outcome of Jamison's heart attack.  To me, that is absolutely amazing!

Jamison's heart attack is going to impact each of us differently and in ways that we may not understand right away.  I already know that part of the influence on my life is a fresh reminder - a big huge slap in the face kind of reminder - that God's holding me, guiding me and protecting me.  In the moment I may not understand why something is happening, but God loves me and He's got me. 

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:9 NIV

I have clung to this verse for the past eight years.  But I must confess that over the past few months I have been growing weary and asking God why things are happening the way that they are.  Have i veered away from His plan?  Am I supposed to be somewhere else?  But I've heard Him loud and clear - keep my eyes focused on Him and do not give up for His timing is perfect. 

I've struggled with whether or not I should share this story.  Over the past two weeks we've met people and heard stories where the outcome was very different.  Stories that ended with extensive heart damage or loss of life.  I can't even imagine the heaviness of the WHY that fills their minds.  I do believe that in times of great sorrow and pain, just as in times of great joy, God's timing is perfectly planned.  The answer to the why may not come tomorrow or next year or ever during our time on earth.  That can be hard to accept.  I pray those who are struggling to find that peace reach out to a pastor or counselor or friend to talk about it.

My 45 Year-Old Husband's Heart Attack Looked Nothing Like What You See on TV

Last Friday my 45-year-old husband had a heart attack.  Thankfully he survived and is on the road to recovery.  I'm sharing our experience with you because his heart attack looked absolutely nothing like what I thought a heart attack would look like.

I've seen many people have heart attacks on TV shows or in the movies.  People gripping their chests, moaning softly and collapsing to the ground.  I've learned about heart attacks during education sessions at conferences or during CPR training at work.  The picture painted was someone having discomfort in their chest possibly radiating through their left shoulder and down their arm.  Maybe its because of the pictures painted for me on TV, but the image in my head was always of a dull pain.  The person's face scrunched up in discomfort.  A little bit of moaning or wincing.

That's not at all what my husband looked like on Friday.

I came home from work to find my husband pacing in the hallway.  He said that he had shoveled snow and then taken a shower.  His asthma had acted up so he took a puff of both his inhalers, but he was still having trouble catching his breath.  We thought that maybe if he laid down for a little bit he could relax and catch his breath.  When he laid down in bed his nose began running.  Sitting up, he blew his nose and instantly had an  incredibly intense headache.  Intense doesn't even describe the pain.  He felt as if his head was going to explode.  He was sitting on the bed gripping the sides of his head with both hands rocking back and forth moaning loudly.

He asked me to warm up his Rice Bag (a flannel pouch filled with rice that we heat up in the microwave to serve as a heating pad).  That took five minutes.  I brought it to him.  He was laying on our bed in the fetal position rolling around still gripping onto his head.  We laid the Rice bag over his head.  Suddenly he popped up into a sitting position throwing the Rice Bag across the room.  He started screaming, "It hurts!  It hurts!"  What hurt?  He told me that it felt as if someone was stabbing his left shoulder with a knife.

My husband has suffered through years of chronic pain which at times has been intense stabbing pain.  There have been times when he's sneezed or twisted slightly and an intense pain has popped up in a random part of his body.  So at this point I'm assuming that he had pulled a muscle or pinched something or thrown his back out by rocking on the bed.  His pain has been bad before.  I tried to get him to lay back down and prop him up on some pillows so that he was not laying flat.  That did not help the pain at all.  He couldn't stay still.

He decides to go sit in his recliner in the basement.  On his way to basement, with me following, he stops in the kitchen.  The pain is now moving down his left arm.  That's the first moment that I think this could be a heart attack. I asked him if I should call 911.  But our minds go back to all of the times that his body has hurt before and the times that we've gone to the ER and it has been nothing.  We decide that we shouldn't call.  This has to be a pain issue.

We get to the basement.  For a few minutes things are very chaotic.  My husband is bouncing from the recliner to the couch back to the recliner tossing pillows and remotes and blankets continuing to scream and wail in pain.  He can't get comfortable.  The pain is not going away.  There are brief moments of calm during which I again suggest calling 911, but he's worried about the cost, about it being nothing and about the fact that we're supposed to be going out for dinner with our daughter.  The calmness passes and he returns to screaming in pain.

At this point he is laying back in his recliner, still screaming and crying.  I'm trying to plug in the heating pad and prop him up with pillows.  His conversation is beginning to not make full sense.  I get him to pause and look me in the eye.  With wide eyes he screams at the top of his lungs, "I don't know what is happening to me!"

That's the moment that I grab my phone and call 911.

The 911 operator told me to have my husband stay still and wait for the paramedics.  Instructions which I communicated to my husband who is now sitting in his recliner breathing heavily and sweating.  I run upstairs to open the door and move the 20 bags of groceries I had carried in from the car 15 minutes earlier and are laying on the floor in the kitchen and family room.

Next thing I know, my husband, who has never been one to follow directions in these situations, is upstairs trying to pack a bag, grab his phone charger and change his clothes.  I get him to sit on the couch while I put on his socks and shoes and we wait for what seemed like forever, but I know was only a few minutes.  He is still in a lot of pain shifting from side to side, but he is much calmer.

When the paramedics arrive, they check his vitals.  His blood pressure is high (which is to be expected with how much pain he was in), but everything else seemed normal.  The paramedic feels around his back and shoulder where my husband said the pain was originating.  Their initial thought was a pinched nerve from shoveling, (My next thought is, "Crap, he's going to kill me for calling 911 and its only a pinched nerve.) but that they would take him to the hospital just to be sure.  They ask if my husband is able to walk to the ambulance.  He says yes and out the door they go.

I put on my shoes, gathered my purse and a book, put away the frozen food items and casually made my way out to my car which is parked on the street.  The ambulance has pulled up to the curb directly in front of my car.  I can see a lot of movement in the back of the ambulance and assume that they are hooking him up to some monitors.  I send several text messages to family.  I picked a play list to listen to during the drive.  And then one of the paramedics gets out of the ambulance and approaches my car.  I roll my window down.

"We have a change in plans.  Your husband is actively having a heart attack.  He's already been given medication and is being monitored.  We're going to be going to Forbes instead of East.  I'll be going with lights and sirens so please don't try to follow me."

Did I just hear him right?  Was this really happening?  My husband is only 45 - how is he having a heart attack? But in fact he was at that very moment having a heart attack.

The ambulance took off with lights flashing and siren blaring.  When I arrived at the ER, I had to wait awhile, but I was soon escorted back to where my husband was laying a gurney hooked up to many wires and beeping machines. There were a lot of people in the room.  A LOT!  I was told that I had made the right decision to call 911 and in fact we had caught it early which was a very good thing.  At this point, my husband was stable and we were waiting for the Cath Lab to be cleaned.  The Cath Team had literally just finished with another patient and were waiting for us.

My husband and I both said multiple times in the ER, "I didn't think it would hurt this bad."  One of the nurses had the line of the night - "Well, it is called a heart attack and not a heart tickle."  So very true!

There is so much more to tell of this story, but I'm going to stop here for now.

My reason for sharing our story is to let others know what a heart attack can look like.  I don't know what image you have in your mind.  Obviously, not all situations are going to be the same; however, as I've said before, this is not AT ALL what I pictured.  I thought we were dealing with a pain flare up . . . until my husband looked me in the eye and screamed, "I don't know what is happening to me."  That is the moment that continues to play over and over in my mind.

People have told us that it was a good thing we called 911 when we did.  That we didn't wait to see if the pain subsided.  That I didn't attempt to take my husband to the hospital myself.  There were many reasons why we were hesitant to call, but in that moment of pure chaos I just knew we needed help.

My prayer is that you never have to deal with a loved one having a heart attack, but if you do may you feel a little more prepared should his or her symptoms resemble those of my husband.

Thumbs Up following a successful trip
to the Cath Lab!

We are thankful for the care we received at Forbes Hospital!